all ears article Final (week 4)

Outside a café I sat near a set of identical twins, women in their mid

sixties, dressed alike and gearing themselves up for a duet of

synchronized complaining that, had it been a piece of music, might have

been eligible for some sort of prize.

Twin 1 (surveying the mild autumn sky) “This is my kind of weather…”

Twin 2 (staring moodily at the waiting staff) “What’s wrong with these

people?”

Twin 1 “Did you ask for more jam?”

Twin 2 “Yes but she didn’t understand me.”

I looked at their table. They were eating scones and had what seemed to

me to be an adequate amount of jam to be going on with.

Twin 1 (stopping a waitress) “We need more jam!”

The waitress smiled and walked inside.

Twin 2 “She won’t speak English. It’s the same in Waitrose.”

Another waitress appeared and gave them more jam.

Twin 1 (looking angrily at the tiny jars) “These have the lids on!”

Twin 2 “The others had the lids off!”

Twin 1 “It’s the inconsistency…”

She stopped a waitress and held out a jar.

Twin 2 “Can you open this?”

Twin 1 “It’s no good. They can’t understand you.”

The waitress took the jam and opened it.

Twin 2 “This is different jam altogether.”

Twin 1 “It’s the wrong jam!”

They now had no scones and a surplus of jam. A problem they

surmounted by spooning it directly into the mouths while looking beadily

about for trouble, like human wasps.

Michael Holden